While visiting my parents this past weekend, I could not help but be a little nostalgic.  A box of Lincoln Logs sat on a bookcase along with favorite books and videotapes.  Baby dolls were in the cradle along with several photos of grandkids from kindergarten to graduation.

We often talk about how quickly time flies while children are growing up, and though some days, we might think they can’t grow quickly enough, there are many stages to enjoy along the way.

It's been a long time since I’ve shared parenting information, but in cleaning out some files I ran across a piece that, in my opinion, is timeless.  We sometimes have expectations of young children that may not be realistic, or relevant as each child is unique.  As you read through the list below, see if you can think of how recent experiences may fit into one of them, that may cause either misbehavior or unwanted behaviors.  Could it be because:

* They are too young to do the activity or understand the rules or guidelines.  Have we chosen an activity that is within their abilities or attention span?  Is it something that we can introduce in smaller sections for them to learn as we go along?  Are we expecting behavior beyond their capabilities?

* They are bored.  I can’t help but wonder in the technology-based world they experience, is playing on the phone or tablet the main thing that holds their attention?  Can a walk outside, or watching the birds or other animals fill their minds?  Or an art project, or cooking in the kitchen?  Being active and participating is a great way to not only learn but to understand the world they live in, as they need to touch and try out things to learn, not just watch and be entertained.

* Children learn how to behave, by watching and seeing how others act.  It’s often said, you can change more behavior by catching them being good, than you can by being negative and using “don’t.”  Our common nature is to react to the action by going ahead of it instead of stopping.  For example, if I say, “Don’t back up,”  we tend to take a step backwards.  For safety reasons identify a word that is only used for emergencies, STOP, FREEZE, or NOW as examples.  Work with your family to select ones that work for you.

* Many times, children will act out, when they are trying to get your attention.  If they can’t get it by being good, then they will do something to get you to notice them.  When you tuck them into bed at night, point out two to three things that you noticed that they did well today, and use those points to build on through the week.  For example: “I loved the way you helped to pick up your toys today” and then tomorrow night, “You picked up your toys AND helped your sister pick up hers, I really appreciate your help!”

* If a child’s behavior changes from their normal routine, they could be uncomfortable (need changing, too hot or too cold) or becoming ill.  Ongoing behavior challenges could indicate a change in family routine (divorce, illness, death or moving), as they don’t know what to expect from one day to the next. 

While the above are generalizations, they at least give a place to start in helping to build a structure for young children.  What else can we do? Identify the behavior, not the child when pointing something out.  “I don’t like it when you hit, hitting is not acceptable” instead of “You are bad when you hit.”  When it’s appropriate, give children a choice, like “would you like green beans or peas for supper?” Both answers are acceptable and allow them to begin the decision-making process, a skill for life. 

The goal of guiding behavior is to work with the child instead of against them.  What works for one child, may not work for another so help them understand you are setting safe limits for them because you love them.  Teaching love, respect, and many additional values are essential during this process.  Positive exposure to books, music, and daily interactions will go a long way in setting the standard you desire to achieve. 

Melinda Hill is an OSU Extension Family & Consumer Sciences Educator and may be reached at 330-264-8722 or hill.14@osu.edu
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This article was previously published in The Daily Record.